Today presented an opportunity. I have two new spiritual practices going on in the background of my life. The first, falling in love with the moment, and not attaching to it. The second, loving myself through my darkness until my light returns because I know it will return. Today, we’ll talk about the second.
So, today I woke up good and angry. No particular reason for my anger, I slept well. Had a good forgiveness meditation (another practice I’m working on right now) and enjoyed my quiet morning time routine.
I still felt angry. So I said to myself here is your opportunity Meegan- practice loving yourself through your anger until your light-self returns. And I said ok, I am going to let myself get good and angry and feel it all the way. I continued getting ready, made my smoothie and put on my shoes to leave the house.
I made a commitment to myself to allow the anger without lashing out on anyone (particularly those closest to me).
When I’m angry or feeling off emotionally I have a tendency to pick (pick out things wrong- with people, places and things). So I didn’t want to pick at my son so I vowed to remain on the quiet side.
My son and I got into the car to drive to work and all of a sudden my car was playing The Cure then suddenly switched into Coldplay’s, Fix You. I looked at the number and it was at 4:44 seconds into the song (444 is an angel number sequence; means the angels are with you, guiding and protecting you).
Then the lyrics:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Immediately my anger turned to sadness and tears began to rush down my cheeks. I instantly thought of my mom and my sadness fluctuated between being frustrated and missing her. I told myself silently, its ok Meegan, these are just layers coming up to be healed. Allow yourself to feel them.
Then the lyrics:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I instantly thought the lights that will guide me home is the light of heaven and God and it will ignite my soul and repair (heal) me.
Then I settled.
I took a deep breath and looked to my left, at this time I was on top of the bridge driving to work and in the sky the clouds formed what I remember my mothers silhouette looking like with gigantic beautiful rays of sunshine peeking out from behind it. And I smiled and laughed and remembered my mom is up there and she’s got me!
I remembered, I am totally safe, protected and divinely guided in every step of my journey here on earth. My heart opened back up fully. I felt a sense of peace come over me and I realized the anger, frustration and sadness was all just part of the journey.
I am still healing and there is a Trevor Hall song that I love, it says: You can’t rush your healing; even darkness has its teachings. It’s a beautiful song and I play it on repeat to remind myself that my healing is happening now and it can’t be rushed or judged. I simply have to allow it to occur and go through the process.
Emotions will come up in layers. Sometimes it is very palpable and other times you just have to let it flow through you like an ocean. Either way it is felt, and either way it is beautiful and healing.
I feel pretty good now I would say o.k. and as I learned while my mom was in hospice, it’s ok to just feel ok. So I’ll be here until I am somewhere else.
I will remember not every day will be great, but there will be something great in everyday if I am willing enough to see it.
Love + Major Light to you all to guide you on your way today and thanks for letting me share.