The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind and I don’t mean the great kind that sweeps you off your feet like a fairy tale- I mean the category 5 hurricane type that leaves a flattened path of destruction in its wake.
I have learned many lessons in my life but nothing could have prepared me for the greatest lesson of all that my mothers passing has been teaching me over the last 3 weeks and 1 day.
She passed on March 31, 2016 and many of you may know this and many may not. She was sick since November of 2014 but we really didn’t know why. We never got a diagnosis until the very end, which turned out to be cancer, stroke and brain bleeds.
My mother was an angel; she touched so many lives and did so many inspiring things in her 40+ years as an educator in Palm Beach County, Fl.
I want to share my story with you because someone may need to hear this. You may know someone who is struggling, or you may be struggling through it now. At some point we will all face the passing of our parents and I want you to remember you’re not alone.
You are not alone in your confusion, your grief, your sadness, your tears, your anger, your messiness, your darkness or anything you may feel through your process.
I am learning the grieving process for each of us is as unique as our footprint. No two people have the same footprint and no two people process grief alike or in the same pattern and time.
I am learning through this process my number one lesson: Seek shelter in God only, not people, places and things of this world. When we place our need to be comforted on anything other than a God of our own understanding we are setting ourselves up for complete devastation.
I am learning in order to hear what I need in my own grieving process from one moment to the next I have to be willing to become still and listen to my soul. That’s easier said than done when you’re in pain and heartbroken.
I am learning to ask myself what do I want right now? And then I have to be willing to give it to myself. Which is also a struggle. Sometimes just lacing up my shoes is a battle.
Through this process, my soul has needed different things. It’s wanted to walk the beach alone, swing on the swings at the park, walk the bridges in town, cook a nice meal, arrange some beautiful flowers but in each moment it has taken a willingness on my part to be open enough to receive a message from a higher place than little me.
Sometimes I have wanted to be with people and sometimes I have wanted to be alone. I try not to judge myself on either way but honor where I am in each moment. This is a practice all in itself.
At times I have wanted to turn my anger toward someone outside of myself and found that left me feeling worse than before. I realize I cannot control others I can only be mindful of my response to any action made by another and move forward accordingly.
I have learned for me that nature is THE best therapy along with meetings- support groups- friends- family- dogs- bereavement counselors and my own therapist.
I’m not ashamed to say I have a whole team that keeps Meegan up, and I need it. I am not afraid to ask for help (I don’t always like to but I’ll do it). I am not scared to say that many times throughout the last 3 weeks I have been scared to death.
I lost my mom. Let’s be honest cause we’re friends, I mean, before I had a higher power she was my higher power.
I am not shy to tell you I have fallen to my knees in complete tears on the side of the road while walk/running through this grief process.
I have crumbled a million times over the last 3 weeks, I have screamed, rolled into a ball, laughed like a lunatic, all while feeling this deep and profound sense of emptiness in my heart and gut.
I have reached out. I have grabbed on. I have tried to let go only to find that I wasn’t letting go at all. I wasn’t surrendered and I haven’t been at peace because of it. Acceptance of life on life’s terms is peace. There is no other way.
I know this hole, this void, can only be filled with one thing: GOD. Faith that my higher power will carry me through is what keeps my feet moving.
I don’t know how I will get through it but I do know I will. I don’t know how long it will take but I know I will keep trying every day that God gives me the opportunity to wake up and live another day.
I will keep sharing, I will keep smiling, I will keep thanking God for the miraculous ways he provides for me day to day and I will make it through. I will pursue my dreams; I will work to be a vessel of love and inspiration for others throughout my pain. I will be here for any of you who may be feeling this way or know someone who is now or in the future.
If you know someone who is struggling share this so we can connect. I want to connect with you not through our grief but through our faith. I want us to remember together that this is all part of the plan and the sun will shine on us day after day as we remember who we truly are.
I love you all and thank you for reading and sharing in this moment with me.
Love + Light