I am feeling angry in a big way right now. My mom is sick and has been since January. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer again, for the second time in her life and I am not feeling at peace about it in this moment.
I know we all have lessons to learn and right now I am feeling like wearing my sassy pants for a while longer. I have been wearing them for about a week now. I want to be mad. So, I will let myself get good and angry today. I won’t try to stop it, stifle it or push it away.
I know on a deeper level this anger isn’t serving anyone. It’s causing a major resentment in me and I am hurting in my body physically because of it. However, I am still going to be mad.
For today, I am going to feel this pain, I am going to allow it to run through my body so deeply that it manifests (like it is) in my hips, my low back, my head, my butt (a literal pain in my butt) and anywhere else it chooses to. I’m going to feel it and I’m going to ask it what it has to teach me? Then I’m going to become still and listen.
Then, as it courses through my body, and turns to sadness I will cry. I will lie on the floor and cry. I will cry until I have no more tears to fall from my eyes and then I will lie there out of pure exhaustion. Until I feel like getting up.
I will let the pain process through my body. I will let the emotion clobber me if it has to. I will not rush it; I will not hide from it. The only way out of it is through it.
I will be in this for today and what I learned from yesterday is not to lash out on anyone. This is no one’s stuff but my own.
If that means I limit communication with others today to save me from having to make more amends than so be it.
I don’t want to hurt others. At the core of my being I am love and I do not want another to hurt especially because of me.
I know others will have to feel pain in their lifetime in order to grow however; I do not have to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.
I learn from yesterday to try to make today better and brighter. Even though I am still hurting I know I will grow from it. I know a major growth is coming from all this pain so I will look forward to that.
Through it all, I will remember to deeply and unconditionally love myself. I will still love every single aspect of myself and my humanness because that is what God would want me to do. I also think he would want me to let go, in order to not be dragged so I will try to accept where I am in this moment without judgment.
I will cry and hang on a little longer and eventually something will shift. I know I will get a miracle and feel better because everything passes and this feeling shall too.
That’s the thing about emotions, they teach us. They are not to be rushed. They are not to be escaped from. They are not to be hidden from but they are to be accepted as a part of us.
They are to be befriended. All emotions are useful and have something to teach.
Today, I will learn from my pain as I feel it. I will look it in the eye and not run away. Only when it is done teaching me what I have to learn will it then toss me out the other side even more shiny than before. This I know. This I’ll hang on to. My faith will carry me through.
Love + Light