How Uncertainty Fostered My Equanimity...

When you look at these two words together you can’t possibly think one may be able to bring about the other. How in the world could uncertainty bring about a steadiness of mind under stress? How could uncertainty possibly manage to teach me to keep my composure? 

Most of my life I have had difficulty with uncertain times. I literally loathed waiting. Sitting on the fence, turning over control to a power greater than myself was something I wasn’t nearly ready to do earlier in my life, and therefore, I got opportunity after opportunity to practice it. Uncertainty is something we all have to accept in order to thrive. I couldn’t see it back then but I can see it clearly now. All the uncertain times of life brought me incredible sadness, anxiety, discomfort and feelings of impending sense of doom. These are terrible feelings no one wants to ever experience but the plain truth is in order to grow we must all experience a little (or a lot) discomfort. We must finally get to the point in our lives where we say God, this is too much to handle on my own, and in that very moment where we call on a power greater than ourselves, comes a silent shift, and a sense of relief, is gifted to us.

If you’ve ever been in one of these moments, you most likely found yourself on your knees, with tears streaming down your face, sobbing uncontrollably and your heart was hurting so bad it felt like it was broken into a million pieces. The pain was so great you had nowhere else to turn, in that moment, which is often referred to as the gift of desperation; you called on something or someone greater than yourself for help. That call, and the fact that your heart was cracked, made it possible for the light to enter into your spirit. It was that crack which allowed the willingness to shift into a place of surrender (you may not have known this was happening) and in that moment you probably found your tears stopped. Maybe you thought you ran out of tears. I know many times, I thought this. I know many times I questioned if we were only allotted a certain amount of tears on a particular event. Within the pondering I would eventually fall asleep and in the next few days, to weeks, to even months I would have this gradual shift into a new mind set around whatever event took place. I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now, it was my ability to let go of controlling the outcome of the event which would make way for my higher power to do it’s thing!

Since 2015 has begun I have been thrown many uncertain variables, conditions and elements regarding family and the health of my mom, who I love so dearly. It has been touch and go. I could only live one day at a time because as far as mom was concerned we didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. This taught me how important it is to live in today, this moment, and even this second. This uncertainty was surely uncomfortable, awkward and down right exhausting at times but what it allowed was my heart to be further cracked open so more light could enter and it was in the midst of this storm that I realized I could stay grounded, centered and serene with the right mindset. That mind set is acceptance. 

It wasn’t until I fully surrendered to the fact that this was “our new norm” as a family that I felt any sense of relief. I let go, I processed and I cried. I cried, I got angry, I cried some more and my heart felt like it was breaking so many days. It was painful to see, it was painful to go through and for a while it brought us all apart, and then, closer together. 

Intertwined with all the sadness, tears and pain were profound moments of clarity. I experienced the deepest conversations with my mother and father that I had ever had. There was a bond renewed between my brother and I, and with my son I had moments of hysterical laughing like two teenagers. Through all the pain God also gave us the gift of renewal. My relationships and bonds were strengthened because I was able to appreciate the moment, the day and even the second. I was able to get closer to my friends and experience them in a whole new light. God divinely placed the perfect team of angel people around me to help me through this and I came out the other side when I finally let go. I was able to go deeper in my meditation practice because this required me to. We are still living one day at a time but we are all communicating, surrendering, accepting and growing as we do it. Through all the stretching, strengthening and character building I have been able to maintain a new level of awareness and equanimity in my life on all levels. I call this the gift of uncertainty.